When I originally started blogging, during my infertility journey (2005!) I talked about how the reason I blog is because of the book Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas. In the book, the mom passes away but leaves behind a diary filled with the story of their life.
A friend from elementary/high school passed away unexpectedly yesterday. We had not been in touch in several years and one of my first thoughts was that I should have reached out to her. With social media, it’s easy to keep track of people but never really say anything of importance. I’m sad that I hadn’t connected with her and there are things I wish I would have said.
When a young mother with children unexpectedly passes away, it is always a tragedy. But when you know them personally, when your kids are the same age… It has really made me stop to think about my own mortality. About the things I need to say. About all I have left to do. About the regrets I do not want to have. About the trips I still want to take. The memories I still want to have…
I feel this with my children especially. I’ve done all that I can to prepare for if I were to pass. We have a will (it needs to be redone, but we have one…), we both have significant life insurance, we have a process in place. But nothing can prepare children for that kind of loss emotionally. I can’t imagine the pain her parents are experiencing. I hope I never have to go through the passing of one of my children.
As part of my prep, just in case my time on earth is more limited than I might think, I’ve left breadcrumbs for my children. My old blog. This new blog. Facebook. Instagram. Random notes within books if they were to read on my Kindle. Little notes in my desk and packed away in boxes that I hope they will eventually find. I never want my trio to doubt my love for them, even if I’m not here to tell them directly. So there are breadcrumbs. Random little things that I’ve set aside and written, hoping that if I’m not here, they will find them and remember all of the memories we have made and how much I love them. I know it won’t be enough, but I hope it would bring small smiles to their days.